JOKES

[RudeTony]

This latetly there seems to be so much tntion, I thought I would add this section so we can at least smile now and again.

i relaise some with be just hopeless rubbish but if it just makes you smile then its worth it.

I will start with this

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

TRUE STORY

[Briangb]

Hi Tony. Hope you are well.
That sure made Mandy and I chuckle!

[bodgit]

Brendan Rodgers.

[Ross]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.


I honestly answered,'No, this is my first time.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,'she said, and walked to thedoor, and locked it.




Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,

unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' She

asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.




As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well,come on',she said,'We don't have much time.'

So Idid the deed. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.




She looked at me with a bit of a frown.'Did you

put that condom on?'she asked.

I said,'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.


She fainted.

[Ross]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[Spencer Mulcahy]

Knock,knock

Whose there

Smellmap

[Spencer Mulcahy]

Sorry three year old daughter.

[bigred5765]

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
If you are sleeping......send me your dreams
If you are laughing......send me your smile
If you are eating...........send me a bite
If you are drinking........send me a sip
... If you are crying............send me your tears
I love you x

I replied........
I am having a shit.
What should I do

[andy05]

If you had to choose between your wife and a euro millions win.


What car would you buy first???

[GrahamH7060]

How many times have you said ?

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

Now everyone's frickin moaning about it !!

[Danny Harrison]

Little Tim has a real potty mouth. His parents have tried everything but he just swears all the time.
They decide that for every swear word they will replace a Christmas present with some dog poo.

Tim, amongst other things wants a new bike.

Christmas morning Tim wakes up, looks down to a pile of craps on his bed. Goes downstairs to more under the tree. He heads into the gArden expecting to see a bike under the tree and another massive pile there too.

Tim goes inside looking puzzled. His dad, with a grin on his face says "what did Santa fetch you son?"
Tim replies " I think he got me a puppy but I can't find the little b****rd"

[buggy#0]

Jason Plato - "It's a joke"

[bodgit]

G day mate Foster's helpline Whats the problem dude?

Im in the outback with the girlfriend and a hornets stung her in the lady garden and its all swollen shut.

Bummer dude

Thanks mate, bye

[MikePimlott]

I was working in Tesco, re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7, when in walks the blonde girl I'd scored with last night. She said "Oi!. You told me you were a stunt pilot .... you lying bastard!"
I replied "No, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team ....!

[Chris56]

Only 1 horse meat joke, so heres a few more:

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything to go with my burger.
So I had a $5 bet each way !

Tesco quarter pounders: the affordable way to buy your daughter the
pony she always wanted.

I had some burgers from Tesco for dinner last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ...
AND THEY"RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse ...

Tesco are now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving instructions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?"
Cow says "illegal ingredients, coming here to steal our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great
horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging
a dead ... NO! NO NO NO!

Said to the Mrs "these Tesco burgers are giving me terrible trots".

To beef or not to beef ...
That is the equestrian.

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of ... SHERGAR BUM?

B&Q have stopped selling a particular type of wood flooring.....
....apparently it has lambinit

[stumpiey]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'